Friday, December 28, 2012
Speak, verbalize, Gossip, Talk, Whisper, Shout, Judge… Cry, Weep, Wallow, Question, Shed Tears.
Words can hurt. They sting, they linger, and they haunt. They make you doubt and question who you are. They make unwelcome tears well up in your eyes and momentarily blur how you view yourself. You wonder silently to yourself “could they be true?”
It stings a little more when these words are whispered among those you love best. When the words conversed are said behind your back.
Last night after hearing some very unpleasant news, I had a dream and, unlike most of them, I knew this dream’s meaning.
We gathered around in celebration of my youngest child’s birthday. In warm light cast through open windows there were balloons, cupcakes, and loved ones scattered around our home. I was hustling and bustling to make sure all the details were finished and he was having the time of his life. Snapping lot’s pictures to capture the sweet moments of my baby boy growing a year older. I caught the little stinker dipping his finger in the frosting to sneak a taste. I caught the children running around not wanting to be “it”. I caught parents gazing lovingly at their little ones. Stacked presents and crepe paper decorations littered the table to await his little hands. Sisters. Sitting next to each other arms around the other. I could not for the life of me make my camera snap. I pressed the shutter down only to hear the beeping sound that alerts a problem. There was a problem. The love of these sisters could not be captured. It could not be saved. The problem seemed overwhelming. And the moment seemed to be fleeting. I was worried it was going to disappear before I had a chance to capture its magic, its sparkling magic. And as the seconds ticked by… so did the moment. It was gone. I was left with a camera capable of saving every loving moment except one that means the world to me… the love between sisters.
It’s moments like these that I know I am tested and I’m thankful I have a strong sense of self and that I am secure in knowing who I am and who I am not.
I am not mean, I am not heartless, and I’m not a get-them-back type of woman. Of course I feel those feelings. And sometimes, I want to lash out and say hurtful things back to the offending parties to let them know just how deeply their words have cut my heart. But I won’t. I'll call or email my best friends instead, and explain how I feel about the offending parties and perhaps spill a list of their wrongdoings (I should work on that...). Every time a thought crosses my mind signaling a left turn. I will remind myself that I hate left turns. I’m not good at them. I don’t want to retaliate and make them feel the way I feel. I want them to know that I am strong. That I love them regardless of the way they feel. What would I be teaching my babies if I gave in to those left turns? I will stick to right turns.
As much as I want to shield my children and prevent any kind of hurt, I want my kids to understand that this world is not fair. I want them to be prepared. To have an army in their beautiful souls ready to fight off any opponents they come across on their journey. There are going to be mean people and hurtful things are going to be said about them. I am teaching them that it is ok to cry and feel the natural feelings of betrayal. But that they have strength and the power to rise above. I am teaching them to hold strong to the values they have in their hearts and know without a shadow of doubt darkening their sky’s that they are amazing, beautiful, talented, compassionate, strong, and loving young men.