Friday, September 20, 2013

Passion restored and maybe a little sanity too...

I re-found my passion for photography. It was hiding for awhile, but I found it. 

Photography is just as much of me as writing. It allows me to capture the world as I see it.. Through my perspective and my personal point of view. I get to tell a story in not only my words and thoughts, but also by what I see. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me happy. It makes me want to strive to be better, to do better, to learn, and to challenge myself. 

Caler man with his caterpillar named James
You see, I lost the passion for awhile. I had lost the courage to see beautiful things in the world. I had lost the ability and the strength to allow myself to be exposed.  I lost my sight. I lost my words. Writing no longer appealed to me. I had nothing to say and nothing to compose. I endured what I had to, for the boys. The smile that appeared had no life or glow behind it. My closest friends could tell, but I couldn't admit it. "I'm fine", I'd say. I couldn't live for me. And photography... that is one of the definitions of living for me. My eyes were seeing the world in dull lifeless colors. I was depressed. I knew it. I felt it... the giant gaping hole in my heart, it made it's presence known. I couldn't stop it though. It was to me what Zangief was to my favorite Street Fighter II character, Chun Li. I was not entirely defenseless to it. I was, however, intimidated by it. I succumbed. The fight was too tough. It was too hard. It was too painful and way too real. Despite all my efforts. My fingernails were broken and bloody from the fight, I was down. The ref had counted to ten, and I wasn't about to get up.

The next thing that happened though is something I still have yet to be able to explain. I woke up one day with the large void in my heart still beating it's drum, but the sun was shining an iridescent golden yellow, a color so beautiful and so familiar that I nearly blinded myself by staring for so long. It was no longer the color of faded straw ... bland and generic. The sky next to it... the color was radiantly blue, it was begging to be photographed. This was the first step. I was awakening from my knock-out. This was the second round and Zangief was not going to know what hit the poor bloke.

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