Faith In Leaping

Faith hasn’t always been a strong suit for me… I like to see things, hear things…. I like to know things.  Some things though, you can’t know… you have to trust.  There is no promise. There is no money-back-heart-break-forgetting guarantee. It’s believing in yourself and the faith you have for the person you are. That is what will stand up when the rest feels like crumbling.

The other day while helping someone close to me, I was asked to write what I believe makes up a Faithful Woman. She believed I was a faithful woman. “Am I?” – I asked her reflecting on years of questioning my faith in religion. “Yes.” – She replied “You are. Look at everything life has thrown at you. Really look. And look at the woman you are. You know you. You… are faithful to you. That’s what I believe makes you a faithful woman. Sometimes you leap and you fall but you stand up and you leap again.”

I did leap again and I believed in the freefall. I fell hard. And it was beautiful. And it hurt.  My belief was tucked in my heart. I still believe in love. I believe in the possibilities it opens. And most importantly I still believe in me.

Love walks up to you and leaves your heart standing right there smack dab in the middle of a local restaurant trying to catch its breath.  It can’t. Because whenever you try, the beautiful brown eyes, the pair that locked with yours as you both stole that second glance, are caught in nearly every thought you think and every breath you breathe. I think I loved him. My heart was clinging to the Velcro attached to my ruffly sleeve and I didn’t pull it back when it detached. I let it go. Let go… let yourself experience the possibility of love, I was told. I let him in, briefly, but he was there.

It took me a bit to learn to trust the fall,. Slowly I started picking off the pieces of cement that held me inside a box I was forced to believe I was supposed to fit into. A box I was constantly fighting against for so many years. A box I knew wasn’t my size. The freedom I felt when I was able to take a deep breath and fall backward is a feeling I hope to relive over and over again. 

The landing wasn’t at all what I expected. The landing didn’t have anything to do with not being enough. It didn’t have anything to do with who I am at all, actually.  But even if it had… I still have faith in me. I still am a Faithful Woman.