Even Still...

I don’t hear your words anymore, but they’re there even still…

I don’t hear your threats any longer, but they’re there even still…

I don’t feel your bruises, but they’re there even still…

I don’t feel the eggshells under my feet, but they’re there even still…

I don’t see your fists, but they’re there even still…

I don’t see your eyes, but they’re there even still…

You see… physically you are no longer there, but your actions still linger. They violate me, even still … in the nightmares that creep in at night and in the way I jump when someone approaches a little too quickly. This I was expecting… this I know how to handle.  I can talk myself out of the nightmares. I can calm my racing heart when I look into the eyes of the stranger who had no intention of startling me.

Your actions, though,  affect the way others look at me. Pity, disgust, and fear. These are a few of the emotions that pass over faces of those I tell my story too. I can, again, expect these.

This, though, I wasn’t expecting…

Those same emotions fell over the face of someone I wanted in my future. In my boys’ future. Your actions, not my own… caused someone I cared about to leave my life. Too much. Your actions were too heavy a burden to carry. To deal with. You have caused too much damage, even still.

This person was attacked for not being strong enough, worthy enough, or man enough… but I get it. I don’t fault him. I also don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t want to stay. I don’t want anyone who isn’t willing to accept me as I am… with the experiences that I’ve lived through.  I deserve better…  

Your actions, Mr. X, were not something I asked for. They do not define me, nor do they define my actions. They do, however, belong to my past and as part of my past they helped me grow into the woman I am. They’ve made me stronger. They’ve made me softer. They’ve made me value my worth. They’ve made me stand on my own two feet and fight for myself.